Caught In The Crossfire
by Daisy1600
Summary: "Please stop worrying about me, man. I'm fine.. you don't have to worry about and pity me because I can't fucking get over him." He trailed off into a painful whisper, trying not to break down and cry. Or Seth's all sad and lonely because he broke up with Dean and needs Roman's help to pull his head outta his ass and apologize for being stupid and cowardly.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter Text**

It was nearing seven o'clock when Seth received a text message, the screen of his phone lighting up and making the most annoying ding sound ever that never ceased to make his yappy little dog, Kevin, bark like someone was trying to invade his home.

Adjusting his position on the couch so that he was sat upright and not curled up in a ball, he grabbed the device from where it lay face up atop the coffee table. He double clicked the home button and entered his passcode, silently cursing Apple for making it so he couldn't just swipe the damn screen to do so.

He had a five unread messages from some of his casual friends he talked to every once in a while, but at the top of the screen was the most recent one from his best friend Roman. Sighing loudly to himself, he clicked on it and immediately regretted it afterwards. The Samoan was once again inviting him out for drinks, showing him pity because he was still hung up on his ex and stayed holed up in his house every Friday night since their breakup two months ago. No, scratch that, he stayed holed up in his house _all_ days of the week, only leaving it for work or to buy groceries since those were kind of a necessity.

 _How's drinks at 8:30 sound to you?_

He had to re-read the message six or more times before he could even form an adequate response in his mind. And then it took three additional minutes for him to break out of his thoughts about Dean, how he broke the poor guy's heart, before he could get his fingers to move across the touchscreen keyboard.

 _nah i think I'm good just staying home. but thanks for the offer Ro._

It wasn't that he didn't like hanging out with Roman or drinking alcohol, 'cause he loved the guy to death and enjoyed having a beer every once in a while. Especially in the last two months while being cooped up at home and depressed over his life and how crappy it's been treating him. So yeah, he liked to stow alcohol in the cabinets and drink till he forgot his his own name and all the crap he put his ex through at least once a week. The thing is that he didn't want to be a burden and drag Roman down with him. Didn't want to have to deal with what he did to Dean, didn't want his best friend knowing the real reason him and the guy everyone called a lunatic broke up.

Not a minute after he sent the text, his phone began to ring. Making that same loud and obnoxious noise it always made when someone called, and making Kevin bark like a fucking maniac to the point where he had to walk outside to think clearly. He shut the front door behind him, hesitantly answering the phone call as he stepped out onto the sidewalk and into the street.

"Hello?" He whispered, knowing that a couple of his elderly neighbors should be asleep by that time of night.

"Seth, why the hell did you decline my offer for the third time in a row this month?" Roman grit out in that tone he used when he was ready to haul ass over to his house and drag him out by the hair.

"I don't know? Maybe because I don't feel like interacting with the rest of the world?"

"You never do. Well, not since you and that asshole Dean broke up. Uh, let's not talk about him. Right.. Uh, I just really hate seeing you like this, man. You're all depressed and smelly, and don't leave the house unless I either force you to or you have to go to this thing called _work_ -"

Seth cut Roman off in an attempt to correct him and make himself seem less pathetic. "Hey! I also leave to go grocery shopping-"

"And I'm sick of not being able to do something about it. God, I wish you'd just let me fucking beat the guy up like I so desperately want to-"

"Roman, don't you dare even _think_ about it!" Seth warned, hearing a quiet growl on the other end of the line since he'd just cut the guy off. Again..

"Quit cutting me off or I'll beat _you_ up, Rollins!" Roman took a deep breath, quietly counting to ten before continuing. "As I was saying, I wish I could beat him up or dismember him to make you feel better, but that's illegal and won't make you smile. So, I want to take you out for drinks and maybe talk with you a bit. Help you through your funk and get you to smile for the first time in two months."

Seth felt immense guilt at hearing the sincere words coming from the bottom his best friend's heart. He'd lied to him and made Dean out to be the bad guy because he was afraid Roman would hate him if he knew the real reason they broke up. If he knew that it was all his fault.. he'd never speak to him again. And he couldn't just continue lying to his face, which is one of the many reasons why staying home all the time made everything so much easier and less painful. It was much easier to lie and say he was fine through text message or over the phone than it was in person. Even if his voice did waver every time he spoke of his ex, the one he just can't for the life of him get over.

"Rome, I'm good just staying home. And I'm fine, also kinda tired, actually. I'll probably end up just cleaning out my freezer since tonight's trash night and the things chock full of old crap that's starting to stink up my kitchen. But you go out, have fun and hook up with someone who, uh, tickles your fancy."

"Seth.." Roman let out an exhausted sigh, the long exhale of air making Seth feel even worse for turning down his friend's offer for company on what was another difficult night of having to deal with being torn up over losing Dean. "Are you sure you're doing alright? 'Cause staying at home, cleaning out your fridge sounds pretty fucking depressing to me."

"Please stop worrying about me, man. I'm fine.. you don't have to worry about and pity me because I can't fucking get over him." He trailed off into a painful whisper, trying not to break down and cry. He cleared his throat, silently hoping and praying his voice was steady before continuing. "Uh, yeah.. So, go have fun and don't worry too much about me."

"Alright, I guess I'll check up on you later, man. Do me a favor and don't eat anything that's two months past the due date."

"I think most of the stuff in my fridge is _at least_ two years past expiration. But thanks, I guess."

"Have a good night, Seth. Love you."

"Yeah, love you too, Rome." He then hung up, the screen turning black as he let out a shaky breath and pressed the cold device against his clothed chest. He held back the tears that threatened to fall from his tired eyes at the mere mention of Dean. He hadn't actually said his name, but he mentioned him, and it hurt like a bitch.

Forcing his feet to move, he headed back inside his house, hoping he hadn't disturbed any of his neighbors who may be sleeping. He was immediately greeted by his small yorkie Kevin, who'd calmed down considerably in the time it took him to go outside and answer Roman's call.

He crouched down in front of his furry little friend, muttering a quiet 'hello' and lightly scratching behind his ear until he began thumping his foot against the floor in pleasure. "Yeah, you like it when I scratch behind your ear, huh?" He mumbled, falling back onto his haunches and pulling Kevin into his lap.

He sat there for what must've been around five to ten minutes, just holding his usually yappy little puppy and talking to him the same way a senile old man would. Mainly about how he really didn't want to clean out the fridge and how he just wanted to cry and fall asleep in a puddle of booze.

After all that, when he was feeling even more depressed and his thoughts were slowly drifting back to Dean, he got off the hardwood floor and dusted off his sweatpants before walking over to the couch and setting Kevin down atop it before heading into the kitchen to begin what would be a torturous night of sifting through ancient foods in his fridge and freezer.

He grabbed the large trashcan from where it was stored beneath the counters in a pull-out drawer cupboard, setting it down in front of the rectangular chrome object that kept things cold before getting to work on pulling out things that looked.. much too blue, green and furry for his liking and tossing them in the bin. For example: a slice of pepperoni pizza he'd stuffed in the lettuce drawer a couple of weeks ago and completely forgotten about. And it was one delicious pizza, too.. He looked down at the floor and mourned the loss of it for a second before moving past it and shrugging, getting back to sniffing things that looked less than edible and dropping them like they were hot when their terrible smell permeated his senses.

After an entire hour, once he'd finished cleaning out the fridge, he dropped down to the floor and kneeled in front of it since the freezer was located _beneath_ the fucking fridge part of it. Some dumbass prick designed the thing, and he wished oh-so badly that he could put them in a blood choke and squeeze with all his might until their eyes rolled into the back of their head and they ceased to- he cut off the dark train of thought, refocusing his attention on getting all the old, freezer burnt crap out of the freezer.

Another half hour passed and found himself opening boxes of food and sniffing them, crying out in disgust when he did so. Those things were tossed right into the trash without a seconds hesitation.

He was holding a box of Belgium waffles when his phone dinged, alerting him that he'd received a text message. He let out a long held sigh, groping at his ass until he finally located the phone and flipped it around till it was upright. Upon clicking the lock button he realized it was just Roman trying to get him to leave the house again, or convince him to let himself come over to his place. Both of which sounded rather unfavorable to Seth.

 _You sure you're alright staying home all by yourself? I could always just not go out tonight and drop by your place to keep you company._

He ignored the message, setting his phone face down on the floor and returning to the box of waffles sitting atop his lap. They were already opened, one or two of them missing from the package. And from what he could remember, they were pretty damn nasty and probably horribly ancient by this point.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt, he unwrapped the plastic that encased them inside the cardboard and took a whiff of them, scrunching up his nose in absolute repulsion. They smelled horrid, like they'd been sitting in the back of the damn freezer for ages! And they probably had.

He couldn't help it when he tossed them across the room and pocketed his phone before rising from the floor and grabbing the waffles to toss them in the garbage can. "Jesus fuck, that's disgusting!" He shuddered, taking the bin full of old food out his side door and emptying it into the garbage can that would be getting dumped out by the truck that came by every week in the morning.

He rolled the black garbage can and the blue recycling bin down to the end of his driveway by the street number painted on the extra parking in front of his house before marching back inside and scrubbing his hands clean, muttering words under his breath all the while.

"That's it! I can't take this shit anymore, I am going out to have drinks with Rome, and I am going to fucking like it no matter how drunk and fucking talkative I get." Once he'd dried off his hands and stomped over to his bathroom to put on some deodorant and cologne, he changed into some clean clothes whilst texting Roman, trying to button up his super tight jeans with one hand while the other typed out a semi-legible response to the message he'd ignored earlier.

To sum it up, he basically said he'd be at the bar in twenty minutes. It didn't surprise him one bit when Roman responded to him within a minute.

 _I knew you'd change you mind. :)_

He rolled his eyes at the Samoan and hastily shoved the phone into his back pocket before grabbing his jacket and heading out into the living room to place Kevin inside of his little cage that had a small, comfy bed as well as a bowl of dry food, water, and his favorite squeaky toy.

"Love you Kevin, don't bark too much and disrupt the neighbors while Daddy's gone!" He called over his shoulder as he made his way towards the front door located a good ten feet away from Kevin's cage.

He made his way outside, locking the door behind him before approaching his red vehicle and using the little clicker to unlock it. Once inside of it he turned the radio on, flipping through a dozen or so stations before finding one he could tolerate on the relatively short drive over to the bar he was meant to meet up with Roman at.

He nervously drummed his fingers against the steering wheel at every red light, enjoying the musical styles of AC/DC. They were a fairly old band, but c'mon, it's not like he was born yesterday or anything.

His anxiety was through the roof by the time he arrived at the bar and parked outside of it. He was contemplating just saying 'fuck it' and going back home to the comfort it provided, even if the small dresser in one corner of his bedroom always managed to distract him and make him sad whenever he acknowledged its existence. It was mostly empty now, seeing as Dean no longer came over, no longer owned all three drawers of the thing. It pained Seth to think of how he'd given one drawer to the auburn haired man each year in their relationship, reaching three before throwing it all away and ruining his own life in the process.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the dark thoughts, he exited the vehicle and headed inside the bar, seriously contemplating turning around and leaving when he was suddenly stopped in his tracks by the sight of Roman at sitting in a barstool, giving him a little half-wave to invite him over.

Taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it after every step he took, he made his way over, managing to muster up a small smile for his best friend's sake. He slid onto the barstool beside the Samoan, freezing up for a moment when the big lug leaned in for a hug.

"How are you, Seth? Lemme guess, sitting at home with your yappy little dog on a Friday night and cleaning blue and green furry food out of your fridge was too depressing for you, so you decided to show after all."

"Well, yeah. Since when is being a fucking loser any fun? Besides, I missed not seeing you for such a long time." And he meant it. He'd missed Roman, but knew it was best to distance himself from him as to not drag him down into his mess of a life where he'd no doubt be able to pull more information out of him about his and Dean's horrible breakup.

"What's up with that anyway? You've been blowing me off for weeks. The only time I've seen you in the last week was when I visited your place and had to physically drag you into the shower because you smelled like a damn llama." Roman said as he disentangled their limbs, lightly patting his back for a moment before his hands were once again resting atop the wooden bar top.

"I did _not_ smell that bad!"

"Seth, stop trying to change the subject and just listen to me for a minute. I know breakups are hard, especially when you love the person, but.. you're taking this especially hard. I don't think I've ever seen you this.. depressed and- and just not yourself. It's even worse than when you broke up with that guy in college, when you drank yourself into shitty grades and I had to be the one to pull you out of your funk and make sure you didn't choke on your vomit and die when you went to sleep after taking one too many shots of whatever the hell it is you'd put in your body. You may not be drinking heavily all the time, but I see what this is doing to you. I see how easy it'd be for you to fall off the wagon and- and just give in and drink till you forget about everything for just a little while. I mean, its fine to go out and have a couple of drinks with a brother that can supervise you every once in a while, but doing it alone at home is just plain sad and overall a bad idea."

"Didn't know this gonna be an intervention." Seth mumbled, glancing up from the bar top to order a glass of something strong.

"It's not a-" Roman cut himself off to let out a long sigh. "It's not an intervention. I just invited you here so we could have a talk, interact face-to-face like normal human beings instead of through a phone where you can lie to me all you want, tell me you're doing fine and that cleaning out your damn fridge is how you like to spend your free time."

Seth did feel bad for making Roman worry so much, but he couldn't just tell the guy why he'd became a loner recently. Why he holes himself up in his house with his only friend he's allowed to tell his problems to, Kevin, who he also doesn't go a night without cuddling up close to. It's true that dogs can sense when their owners are sad, it's probably the reason Kevin is always within reach of him. The yorkie was pretty annoying half the time, when he barked at literally nothing, but he was also the only thing keeping him sane, strange as it is.

"I never said that I _liked_ cleaning it out, just that it needed to be done." He muttered in reply, still ignoring the main issue at hand.

"Stop it, Seth." Roman said in his warning voice. "Just talk to me, say anything that's been on your mind the last two months. I don't care what it is as long as its not an excuse to _not_ have to talk to me about your problems."

Thinking up the least harmful truth he could, he thought back to all the sweet things Kevin, who was practically his baby, has done for him. "Well, turns out Kevin's a really great therapist. Until he pees on the floor, then I hate him. But only for about ten minutes."

"That's good, you're finally opening up. And just know Kev's a good.. person to tell all your problems too without worrying about him divulging all your secrets. I know that's one reason I go over to your place so often. But it's healthier to talk to real people, ones that don't have little wet, black button noses."

"But it's a hell of a lot easier to look into dreamy little brown eyes and tell them you're not okay than it is to look into your best friend's eyes and.. and tell _him_ you're not. I'm just really not, alright?" A tear slipped from his left eye and his breathing was shaky. He reached out for his drink, wanting to take another sip when he felt a strong hand gripping his own, interlocking with his the same way it always did when he was on the verge of breaking down.

"I-I know my eyes aren't exactly brown and dreamy, but would you settle for cold and grey?"

Seth let out a quiet laugh, appreciating his friend's sense of humor during hard times. He wiped the tear from his eye and looked into Roman's grey-blue orbs, ready to confront him and at least tell him some of the truth, the parts that wouldn't ruin their friendship.

"I'm not okay, I don't like dragging you into my mess of a life, and I hate cleaning out the fridge. It's fucking awful man. I took a whiff of some ancient Belgium waffles and wanted to off myself on the spot." Seth got out in a rush, slowly feeling a weight being lifted off his shoulders. "And, uh, that's kinda why I came here. Well, not the only reason.. but it certainly was the last straw."

"Good to know you wanted to be here so badly," Roman chuckled lowly to try and alleviate the slightly awkward tension that'd settled over them. He felt the Samoan give his hand a firm squeeze, trying to comfort him. "But in all seriousness, I'm glad you came and that you're finally beginning to open up to me."

Seth stayed silent, nodding along to his friend's words before reaching out to grab the drink that'd been sitting in front of him for a while, and downing the remainder of it all in one go. Roman silently ordered a second round, the bartender slowly walking over and filling up their glasses.

Once Seth had a couple of drinks in him, he was ready to continue speaking. It'd probably be another two to three drinks before he was ready to tell him the truth about what went down between him and Dean. About how the auburn haired man had broached the subject of moving in one night, possibly getting married one day, maybe even raising a family together, while laying in bed after a night of fun and Seth got scared and brushed him off, telling him it's a conversation for another day, when he wasn't _exhausted_ and totally not ready to talk about it. How it all escalated into a _huge_ fight about a week later and Seth told his boyfriend who only meant well that he didn't see himself ever marrying him, didn't want to live with him, and would never want kids. All because he was scared of commitment. Terrified because his parents had gotten divorced when he was in sixth grade, the whole thing being one big, nasty process. His parents had fought over who got custody of him, and in the end, they got joint custody. And it was so, so awful, switching from home-to-home on a regular basis. Every week, actually.

And that was what got him to drop the one he loves like he was a hot potato. What got him to break Dean's poor, fragile heart that was already cracked around the edges from his crappy childhood he'd spent switching from foster home to foster home until he'd grown out of the system and got himself a job. And not to mention all the horrible relationships Dean had been in in all his twenty-something years of being alive. He'd been burned many a times, been cheated on and lied to. And Seth.. Seth was the biggest heartbreaker of them all. The one who'd ripped his heart out and stomped all over it like he never even cared about him. Never even loved him.

Suddenly, his eyes were a little watery and his throat was locked up tight. He took a shuddering breath and knew that he was, well, not _ready_ to tell the truth, but knew that it was the right thing to do.

"Rome, I messed up big time, man." Seth mumbled, silently praying his friend wouldn't hear him. He _really_ didn't want to have to face the music and own up to his mistakes.

Roman turned to face him on the barstool and gave him a knowing look before ordering a basket of fries for them to munch on together. Seth waited until the bartender had left to go fetch them to continue.

"I fucked up big time. Made the biggest, hugest mistake of my entire life and I regret it. I have to live with it every single day of my life."

Roman's mouth opened and closed for a moment until a solemn expression settle upon his face. "I'm here to listen and will try my hardest not to judge you."

Thankful for his friend's words of encouragement, Seth pushed onward, having to force the words to leave his mouth. "I lied to you."

There was a pause, Roman tensing up the slightest bit before he seemed to get over whatever sort of.. betrayal or sadness or anger he was feeling.

"About?"

"About my.. my breakup with- with-" Seth fell silent as he choked up and tears fell from his eyes, burning his skin as they rolled down and stopped once they got to his stubble where they then got absorbed by the dark hair he really needed to groom. He cleared his throat and steered clear of his friend's eyes as he spoke his next words. "With Dean."

"You told me that that son of a bitch cheated on you, Seth. What could you have lied to me about? Did you- did _you_ cheat on him?"

The accusatory tone of Roman's voice made him flinch, made him want to run right out the door and.. and do God knows what.  
God, if he tells him.. he might just end up losing his best friend.

"I'm sorry, man. I-I didn't mean to.." Roman trailed off, looking guilty as the bartender set down a basket of fries between the two of them and walked off without a word. "I'm sorry."

"You know about how my parents got divorced when we were in sixth grade, right?" His friend nodded, stuffing a fry into his mouth and probably wondering why the hell he was bringing this up now. "Well, the whole process was nasty and caused.. It scarred me up pretty bad, well, emotionally. They'd gotten married young, had a kid, loved each other more than anything else in the world for years. Then, they all of a sudden started fighting all the time, almost causing a car accident a couple of times because of how much they fucking hated each other and couldn't get along for ten fucking minutes for their son's sake." He wiped at his eyes, pushing away the hand Roman was most likely going to set atop his shoulder.

"And- and all that shit I had to deal with, all the shit they put me through- I had to watch a marriage crumble before my eyes! But not just any marriage. It was my parents, Rome. I know you remember, but I went back and fourth between homes for years.. until I was old enough to tell them enough was enough and that _I_ was leaving them. Went off to college and made something of myself. But that's not important to this story, what's important.. is that the whole.. experience left me scarred, broken, and afraid of commitment. Afraid because I don't want to end up like my mom and dad. I don't want to hate Dean." The last word came out as a pained whisper, barely audible to the Samoan's ear.

"Seth.."

"No, Rome. Let me finish or I never will." He replied, not paying any attention to the basket of fries whatsoever. He was far too nervous and scared to even _think_ about food. "You know how Dean and I were.. We were together for three years. And each of those years I gave him a drawer in one of my dressers until the whole thing became his. I already felt like that was.. was a lot to give to someone. He practically lived at my house and Kevin was practically _ours_. And in that type of situation the only logical thing to do, the next step, would be to have him officially move in with me, right? I wish I'd seen it that way, but I'm terrified of letting people in. Terrified of letting him break down all my walls and.. and seeing how scarred and hurt I am.

"Anyway, we were laying in bed one night, after work, and he'd brought up the possibility of him maybe moving in with me one day. Maybe even getting married and possibly having kids in the distant future. And I _freaked_. I fucking freaked, Rome. Him wanting me to make that kind of commitment scared the absolute shit out of me. I closed in on myself and basically just told him to go to sleep and we'd talk about it another day. I never wanted to go back to that conversation, just wanted us to stay the way we were, but he broached the subject once more about a week later when we were watching TV with Kevin sitting between the two of us. He looked at the dog like he was.. like he was our son. He loves that dog so much, man. Uh, as I was saying, he brought up our living situation, made a couple of really good points. Mentioned that he slept at my place more nights than he did his own, and that practically half his closet was already mixed in with my stuff anyway, and that Kevin was kinda his, too, so it'd be convenient to move in with me and obviously help pay rent. Mentioned that we'd been together for well over three years and he felt we were ready but wouldn't pressure me to say yes if I wasn't. God I'm so stupid.. I could've just opened up to him and told him more about my parents, told him why I never talked about them or contacted them. I should've fucking communicated with my boyfriend and allowed him to help me through my problems with commitment and family. I just.. I never wanted to have a kid with him and make them watch our family fall apart before their eyes like I had to.

"I should've.. I should've just known that things with Dean would be much different than what my parents had. I loved him, still do, obviously. And.. and what comes next in this story will make you _hate_ me."

Roman, who'd been silent throughout Seth's entire story up until now, decided to speak up. "I could never hate you, Seth. You're.. you're my brother and I love you. Whatever it is that you did, I'm sure it can be fixed."

"That's just it, Roman! It can't be fixed! Dean hates me and it's all my fucking fault. He never cheated on me, never talked down to me, never treated me bad in any way shape or form. He showed me nothing but love and I.. I broke his heart. Fucking ripped it out and stomped on it."

Without a word, Roman leaned across the space between them and pulled Seth into a fatherly hug. Neither spoke a word, didn't need to. All that could be heard was some barley audible chatter from a group of guys across the bar sitting at a large booth, and Seth sniffling as he cried into his best friend's shoulder.

It must've been a whole five minutes before he could peel himself off of Roman and pull himself together. "He was waiting for my answer, waiting to see if I'd say yes to him moving in with me or if I was gonna need to take a few days to think it over before making a decision. I made a dick move and turned the volume up on the stupid TV. God, I must've been watching wrestling or some shit.. Whatever it was, it wasn't worth doing that to upset him. He politely asked me to turn it down or maybe even off and just face him, have a real conversation with him. I continued to ignore him, knowing that I was on the verge of exploding. Something I almost never do. But him bringing up the whole living situation reminded me of my parents and the whole divorce thing, and when he grabbed the remote from my lap and turned the TV off, turned to face me on the couch.. I lost it.

"I told him 'not now,' and he told me not to speak to him in such an angry tone. I then went on to tell him I can speak to him however I want to, and he told me to listen to myself, asked if I could hear the words coming out of my own mouth. I remember grinding my teeth and setting Kevin on the floor, watching him curl in on himself and slowly walk over to Dean's side of the couch. He pulled him into his lap and held him close to his chest, petting him as I continued being an asshole to him. I told him I didn't want to live with him, that he was too clingy and needy. He set Kevin down and rose to his feet at the same time as I did. He asked how the hell he was being 'needy' by asking me if I felt that we were ready to move in together, giving me a _choice_ , and I raised my voice. I don't remember half of the insults we threw at each other. Just know that we both said some pretty hurtful things in the heat of the moment. The argument just kept escalating.. ending with me telling him I could never live with a lunatic such as himself, and could never see myself marrying him and raising a family with him. We just kept shouting at each other, making Kevin bark and whimper.. heh, kinda reminds me of myself. Back when I lived with my parents. I guess we did let our 'child' get caught in the crossfire.

"Dean was pissed, hurt, and his heart was slowly breaking before my eyes. I let our relationship crumble. The moment I told him to pack up and leave.. God, I knew it was all over. I threw _everything_ away all because I'm a piece of shit who can't let himself be happy for once. He began crying and ripped open.. our bedroom door, grabbing a luggage and a duffle bag out of the closet and emptying nearly all his stuff out of his dresser before grabbing the rest of his stuff that was scattered around the room and shoving all that in his bags. I should've apologized immediately, stopped him from leaving and just explain myself. But no, I let the best thing I had going.. go. Watched him walk right out the door with tears streaming down his face. I told him to wait, he stopped in his tracks long enough for me to tell him to never contact me again. And that was the last time I saw him. It's been two months and every day gets more and more difficult. I always find myself rolling onto my side in bed, prepared to pull him into my arms before I remember what I did and end up crying myself to sleep, usually waking up with Kevin laying on my chest."

"You should talk to him." Roman said, looking over his shoulder at the table of... guys talking and laughing kind of loudly.

"You don't mean.." Seth turned around on his barstool, looking at the table of men and immediately recognizing the auburn haired one sitting in the corner of the booth in the shadows, nursing a drink. He turned back to Roman and stuttered out an excuse to not have to go up and talk to his ex he'd literally broken the fucking heart of. Then, ended up repeating himself as he stood from his chair and began heading toward the exit. "I-I can't- I.. I gotta go, Rome. I can't be here. I can't face him. I can't go up to him and- and- I gotta go."

Roman rose from his seat, grabbing onto Seth's wrist, his grip tight and unforgiving. "Seth, you just poured your heart out to me. I am _not_ letting you leave until you at least walk up to him and say hello. You owe him that much."

Seth untensed his muscles and took a moment to just _breathe_. Something he ought to do more often. "I _can't_ , okay? I hurt him, man. There's no turning back. I can't just- He probably doesn't even want to see me anyway. Now let **go** of me."

"Why? So you can continue to mope around and hate yourself for something that can be easily fixed? Seth, I care about you and Dean both. If you don't walk up to him and say hello, so help me God, I _will_ end you."

"Please, Rome- I-I c-"

" _Seth_ ," The Samoan warned him, receiving puppy dog eyes in return. They looked strikingly similar to Kevin's, almost like the yorkie really was the brunet's son. Seth then began getting dragged towards the table, his boots only doing so much to delay the inevitable.

They stopped in front of the table, Roman now standing behind Seth with his hands on his shoulders to keep him in place. A couple of the guys at the table that were conversing, laughing together, glanced up, smiles falling from their faces. Now that he got a closer look at them, Seth thought they looked vaguely familiar and that they recognized him.

The blond one stared at him for a good minute, looking a little conflicted before calling out Dean's name to catch his attention. His auburn haired ex tore his gaze away from his lap and glanced up, downing the rest of his drink once he'd caught sight of Seth.

"Fuck," he heard Dean mutter, setting his glass down with a loud clang.


	2. Chapter 2

Roman released Seth from his hold and gave him a little shove that got him that much closer to Dean's table. The guys he was hanging out with were probably some of his friends from work, it'd explain why they looked familiar. He'd probably been introduced to them a couple of times throughout the years.

"Hi," Seth said lamely, not knowing what else to say when his throat was locked up tight and he had at least four big, strong men staring him down.

"Need me to get rid of him?" One of them asked Dean, who looked a mess. Like he hadn't slept in days and was on his third or fourth glass of whatever it his he'd been drinking.

"No, it's fine. I can handle this myself." Dean said before gesturing for the guys on his right to exit the booth and let him out. The three of them each gave him a comforting pat on the back before sliding back into their seats. "What the hell do you want from me, Seth?"

Seth turned to glance behind him, just then realizing that Roman had ditched him and he was now alone with his ex. Well, not exactly alone, there was still a table of guys staring him down. "I- I wanted to.." he ran a hand through his long mane of hair that ended just below his shoulders, lightly tugging at the strands. "Could- could we maybe talk?"

Dean stared him down for a long moment, looking conflicted and just all around grumpy. He liked using anger and annoyance to cover up hurt. "I thought that's what we were doing, talking,"

"I meant outside, Dean."

"And what if I don't want to hear your lame excuses? I'm sure you don't have anything nice to say to me. Probably just gonna yell at me about how 'needy' and 'unstable' I am."

Seth squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears slowly building up to go away as he thought back on that night. Thought back on all the terrible things he'd said and done to the one he loves.

"Kevin misses you,"

"Yeah, well he's just a fucking dog. What does he know?"

"He knows that I miss you, too. I'm- I'm really sorry, Dean. And- and I- we need to talk."

"Oh, so you think coming over here and saying sorry is gonna get you anywhere? Well it's not, alright? You hurt me, Seth. Things were good, things were great, but then you had to go and stab a knife right through my back and right through my heart."

"I know, Dean. I know I hurt you, I know I don't deserve a minute of your time. I have to live with the mistakes I made and it's eating away at me, man. I-I can't eat, I can barley sleep. If you don't want to talk to me, at least let me explain myself. Explain why I ruined the only good thing I had going for me."

Dean looked thoughtful for a moment before turning to face his buddies at the table. One of them, the blond one, was slowly rising from his seat, looking about ready to tear Seth a new one if Dean so much as gave the order. "Stand down, Chris. Me and my buddy Seth are gonna go get some air, maybe talk for a bit. If I don't come back, probably just means I went home." The auburn haired man then pulled out his wallet, tossing a twenty dollar bill atop the table before walking ahead of Seth and heading out the door. He didn't bother holding it open for him and it would've hit him in the face if not for his cat-like reflexes.

"Talk," Dean muttered as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket and continued walking along the sidewalk outside the bar. Seth wasn't sure where he was being led to, but he followed anyway, speeding up to fall into step beside the taller man.

Since he'd already up and confessed his sins to Roman and truly did miss Dean, the man everyone called a lunatic, he decided to be upfront with him and just lay all his cards out on the table. "You know how I never talk about or contact my parents? Well, there's a reason for that. When I was in sixth grade-"

"Hold on a second," Dean slurred, stopping in his tracks to look at Seth incredulously. "You said you were gonna talk to me, explain why you kicked me out of your fucking house, took custody of our furry son, and ruined my life. Not tell me some random story about you from sixth fucking grade."

"I am going to explain myself, Dean. This is just the premise; my back story."

"Fine, I'll hear you out. So long as you get down to the nitty gritty and give me some real answers." Dean then continued walking in a semi-straight line, heading in the direction of what Seth would assume is Taco Bell or some other 'restaurant' that's open 24 hours. He knew how hungry Dean got after a night of drinking.

"Alright then," Seth gnawed on his lip for a good minute before getting back on track. "My parents began fighting a lot when I was in sixth grade, were always screaming at each other while I sat alone in my bedroom. Pressing a pillow against my ears while I cried and wondered why mommy and daddy didn't love each other anymore. They got a divorce, the whole process being very nasty and.. and all around difficult to watch, and to be stuck in the middle of. They got joint custody of me and I got to enjoy being switched from home-to-home each and every fucking week until I was eighteen and sick of their shit. Obviously I told you about what happened after that, how I got a scholarship and went off to college to make something of myself. What I didn't tell you was that I had to witness my family fall apart and it left a lot of emotional scarring. I have trust issues, I'm absolutely terrified of commitment, hence why I didn't want you to move in with me. And I'm terrified of getting married, having a kid and making them watch as their family falls apart and their parents begin to fight, spew words of hate at one another and eventually get a divorce. No kid should have to go through that. No child of mine should ever have to be sent from one home to another for half their fucking life, Dean. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry I didn't have the balls to tell you all of this when I should've."

There was a long, uncomfortable, terrifying moment of silence that Dean eventually broke.

"Why... Why didn't you ever tell me about your parents? Thought you trusted me."

It hurt Seth to see him like this. To see Dean close in on himself and look down at the ground as he walked down the empty street that may as well be called boulevard of broken dreams. He wanted to reach out and touch him, hold his hand, kiss him, pull him into a hug- anything to make him feel better and smile. But he couldn't. Ruined any chance of being able to do that two months ago. So he mimicked Dean by shoving his hands deep inside his jacket pockets and looking down at the filthy pavement littered with garbage, wads of chewed up gum, probably some piss, too, and a payphone that'd been ripped from the wall. The actual phone itself broken in half and dangling from its mangled cord.

"Maybe.. maybe because I didn't want to accept what happened and how crappy my childhood was post-fifth grade. I should've told you. I may have some trust issues but I should've realized you'd understand where I was coming from. Even if you... even if you never truly had a family of your own."

"Ever thought that might've been why I was so afraid of losing you? And you're right, I would've understood if you'd just sat me down and explained everything to me. I may've had a crap childhood, a crap life, been switched from house to house but always managed to make my way back to the same place every time. I grew up sharing a room with twelve, fifteen other boys, Seth. Each and every one of them always getting chosen by the couples who came looking to adopt because they were all so young, so cute. And I was the old dog no one wanted, the one who was destined to grow out of the system and die alone in the street. Yeah, I had it bad. Never had a family, but you were all I needed and more. I would've fucking understood and been there for you, Seth. I would've given you time and asked again when you were ready. But you blew up in my face and said some pretty fucking awful things to me. Told me to never contact you again after I packed up all my things and some of yours, too. I walked out that door feeling like I just got stabbed in the heart. You threw away everything we worked so hard to build that night. And it felt like I was bleeding out as I drove home crying. Nearly crashed a couple of times. The only friend I had was Jack Daniels, and boy did he comfort me. Made me pass out real quick once I'd drunk half the bottle."

Speechless and on the verge of tears, Seth stayed quiet and allowed Dean's pained words to really sink in and take effect on him. Behind each and every word the auburn haired man spoke there was a story. There was raw emotion and.. and it's exactly what he needed to hear. He needed Dean to put him in his place and remind him of how much pain and suffering he'd caused him over the course of the last two months.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out without thinking, causing Dean to turn and look at him, an adorably puzzled look on his face. "That you had to go through all of that. Especially at such a young age."

Dean chose not to reply, instead lengthening his strides and quickening his pace. He was once again a few steps ahead of Seth. The latter still had no idea where they were going, and decided to ask.

"Dean, where are we going?"

"Taco Bell," Dean mumbled. "I hear they're open 24 hours and I've got the munchies."

Just as Seth had suspected earlier on in their walk, Dean was in the mood for Mexican. He didn't know if things were even remotely okay between them as they rounded a corner and the fast food restaurant came into view. He didn't know if things were ever going to be okay. Things definitely never would be if Dean didn't forgive him. Or at least accept his apology.

"The usual?" He asked as they neared the building, Dean nodding slightly and holding the door open for him this time. Well, that sure was progress. A lot less bitter and angry than he was when they left the bar, that's for sure. Seth got in line to order the food they always got when they used to go on dates there together while Dean sat at a table, fiddling around with a salt shaker and spilling some on the table. He obviously didn't clean it up, just looked around the room to make sure no one was looking before sliding the mess off of the clean, white surface and onto the floor for someone to sweep up later.

Seth had watched the whole thing unfold, smiling sadly to himself as the guy ahead of him in line finished up and exited the building. He was quick to shuffle forward, being met with the sight of an exhausted looking cashier who simply blinked at him until he nervously ordered his food.

He soon had their food and drinks, bringing them over to the table Dean had claimed and setting down the tray in the middle of it. He didn't receive any sort of thanks, hadn't exactly expected to get one either.

Dean was five bites into his second hard shell taco when he decided it was a good time to start talking again. "So... how's Kevin doing? He really miss me or were you just pullin' my leg earlier?"

Seth set down his burrito, deciding to be the one with manners and not talk with his mouth full. "He always lays on your side of the bed, keeping it warm for you and staying up late to see if you'll come home. I always have to be the one to try and explain to him, a small, furry dog, that his daddy will probably never be coming home. He seems to understand me and usually whimpers before walking over to lay on top of my chest. I also wasn't lying when I said I missed you, too. God, do I fucking miss you, Dean." It pained him just a little bit every time he heard or spoke Dean's name.

After taking a long sip of his drink - every soda flavor mixed together except for diet and ice tea -, Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest as he leaned back in his seat. "Tell Kevin I miss him, too, huh."

"That's what you chose to take from that, huh?"

"Yup," Dean burped. He's always using jokes, sarcasm, anger, and everything else in the damn book to dismiss his feelings and deflect. And, yeah, Seth gets that he feels depressed, broken, betrayed, empty.. but doing this to himself, pushing him away but keeping him close at the same time- it's going to slowly and painfully kill him. He can clearly see how much life it's already taken out of him in two months. Imagine what it could do to him in a six months, a year, two.. He didn't even want to imagine how badly it would all effect Dean come three years.

No, he couldn't let that happen. This ends right here right now.

"Dean, can you please try to take this seriously? I'm trying to fix things and you're deflecting and.. and doing that thing you always do when you don't like the conversation and you want to change the subject."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Seth. I was just replying to what you'd said earlier. Telling you how much I missed Kevin. Our dog." Dean then uncrossed his arms, resting them atop the table and leaning forward. "By the way, when am I going to see him? You kinda didn't make that an option for me."

"Whenever you want, I guess."

Feeling bold as brass, Seth laid his hand atop the table beside Dean's. He didn't attempt to move it closer, kinda left it up to his ex to choose whether or not he wanted to make physical contact with him.

Dean stared him down for a good minute, looking a bit irritated at first until his expression morphed into one of sadness then.. acceptance. He grabbed his tacos and and stuffed them into his jacket pocket, glad they had a paper sleeve covering them as to not ruin the thing.

"If we're gonna talk, let's get outta here." He grabbed his drink off the table and didn't wait for Seth to catch up before exiting the restaurant. The brunet had to scramble to throw away their trash, grab his drink and half-eaten food and follow him out only to find out he was waiting right outside the door for him.

"You scared me," Seth said, not knowing whether he was afraid that he'd left without him or if he just spooked him by standing there.

"Yeah, well I wasn't planning on going far," his ex muttered, beginning to walk again. "'Cause believe it or not, I'm actually ready to listen and maybe talk things out with you."

"That's all I'm askin' for," Seth checked their surroundings in the dark streets, moving closer to Dean when he saw a hunched over man stumble out of an alleyway to his left. Just to be safe, and to help lead him away, Seth placed a hand on the other's back and made sure to keep an eye on his six o'clock.

"I'm fine, Seth. I'm not some little thing that needs protecting from some drunkard who smells of piss. Had enough experience dealing with that in a couple of my temporary homes. If you could even call 'em that."

"I'm sorry," Seth whispered, retracting his hand and keeping it to himself. As they were passing up an overflowing trashcan, Dean precariously balanced his half empty drink cup atop the crap and Seth hung back a few feet to do the same thing, since he really didn't feel like eating drinking anything at the moment. He kept the burrito that was in his jacket pocket thinking he could reheat it and eat it later as some sort of midnight snack. "I don't really know what else to say but sorry. I made a mistake, Dean. I never should've kicked you out." After only a seconds hesitation, he said the other thing that was on his mind. "I lied to you because I was scared. It's no excuse, I'm owning up to my mistakes fully. I take all the blame for what I did, and I do want you to move in with me. I do see myself marrying you and raising kids with you in the future. And.. and Kevin is ours. I'll understand fully if you don't want to.. if you don't feel it's right to forgive me and take me back. I get it, Dean. I get it."

They soon passed by another alleyway, noticing another drunk man stumbling around, talking to himself. The dark, narrow passage smelled strongly of piss and other such bodily fluids. Dean thought nothing of it until he took note of a shiny object on the ground and what looked to be another man lying beside it. He didn't hesitate before taking Seth's hand and speeding away without looking too suspicious.

"What the h-" Seth began, quickly getting cut off by Dean.

"Thought I saw a dead body," he explained, breathing heavily as his heart rate came down from its high and slowly went back to a healthy seventy-five beats per minute. He might've counted. "Didn't want to risk the guy hurting you if he was some sorta psycho killer."

"My hero," Seth joked, giving his ex's hand a firm squeeze, all the while feeling dazed and a little confused. If Dean hadn't noticed and pulled him away... that could've put the both of them in potential danger. Meaning there's a chance Dean could've gotten hurt. "Now let's get the hell outta here before we die."

"Way ahead of you." Dean muttered, pulling him along as he took quick steps in the direction of the bar where Seth had parked his car a couple of hours ago.

They soon made it inside the vehicle, immediately locking it behind them and checking twice to ensure no one would be breaking in anytime soon. Or at all.

Since Seth had a high alcohol tolerance and he'd eaten and drank fluids, he elected to drop Dean off at his own apartment before taking himself home to cry into a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Specifically Rocky Road.  
He was sad to know Dean didn't forgive him, but he also wasn't expecting to be. He knew he didn't deserve to be anyw-

"I don't think I forgive you just yet, but I can't do this without you- the whole living thing. I've tried it, tried that shit for two months and- and I just can't do it anymore, Seth. I tried so hard to hate you, to convince myself I didn't love you and Kev, the closest thing I ever had to a family. But every time I tried to forget about you two I found myself driving past your house at three in the morning, wondering if I should stop and knock on the door or just.. do the right thing and never contact you again. I got out of my car one or two nights or five nights, walked up to your living room window and saw you watching TV with Roman a couple of times, saw you snoring with Kevin laying on top of you the other couple. I know that sounds really creepy, but it's supposed to be romantic. What I'm trying to say is.." Dean closed his eyes, trying to find the right words to say as Seth removed the keys from the engine since he hadn't left the parking spot yet and he needed to focus all of his attention on him. As if at the same time, they unbuckled and turned to fully face each other. "Is that I still love you and want to move in with you if you'll have me."

"Yeah, I'd like that. I'd like that a lot, Dean." Seth leaned in closer until there was only a hair's breadth of space separating them.

"Either you kiss me right fucking now or so help me God, I will-"

The brunet closed to distance, sliding deft fingers into the other's auburn curls as their lips slid together in a way that felt oh-so natural and familiar. He felt a hand slide up his arm to tangle in his long locks of hair, tugging on them slightly to pull him in closer and deepen the slow and steady kiss.

Seth was the first to pull away, breathing heavily as they rested their foreheads against the other's and just let themselves be. Allowed themselves be in the moment and appreciate being together for the first time in two agonizingly painful months.

"Let's go home, Dean. I'm sure Kevin'll be ecstatic his other dad's here to stay."

Dean broke into a smile, pressing another kiss to Seth's warm and soft lips. "You sure you're alright to drive without killing us?"

"Wouldn't have suggested it if I couldn't."

"Y'know, we should really call in that body I found."

"Mm, well maybe you should get on that, hon." Seth teased, trying not to blush bright red and die right on the spot when Dean leaned back in for one last kiss, catching his bottom lip between his teeth and holding for a second before tantalizingly slowly releasing it from his hold.

Dean then moved his lips to rest beside Seth's ear, blowing warm puffs of air into it as he spoke. "Oh believe me, babe, I will."

Seth was left breathless and slightly turned on. A quiet, nearly silent, groan escaping past his parted lips. When the time was right, they were going to to have some incredible make-up sex. On every available surface in the house. Their house.

"Jeez, Seth. Wait until we get home and say hello to our furry son, would ya?"

He didn't give in and reply, didn't want to give Dean the satisfaction of knowing just how much his words effected him. But after three and a half-ish years of being together, he knew full-well how much his dirty talk both frustrated and aroused him. He slipped the keys back into the ignition and drove away as Dean pulled out his phone and made a quick call to the local police department.

It was no more than twenty minutes later when they arrived at the house, quickly shedding their jackets and making sure to take their tacos and burrito out of the pockets before hanging them up on the coat rack.

The sound of Kevin barking could probably be heard from fucking Mars as soon as their little yorkie smelled Dean and he began a slow approach toward his cage.  
He got down on his knees in front of it, listening to the loud, happy sounds the dog was making as he unlatched the door and picked him up.

"Hey there little guy," he smiled, chuckling when Kevin began licking his face. "I missed you."

Seth got down on his knees beside him, sitting on his feet and wrapping an arm around Dean's back while his free hand scratched behind their yorkie's ear. He looked ecstatic to finally have his parents back together again. Two months has got to be a like two years to a dog.

He only wished he could've had it this good. That his parents could've pulled their heads out of their asses and looked at what they were doing to each other and their son. If they'd just gone to couples counseling when they first realized something wasn't going right in their relationship.. maybe, just maybe they could've made things work and they'd still all be one big happy family. But that's only a guess, and what's really important is the here and now. His real family is important. The one that's been with him for nearly four whole years. The one that's been there with him through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. Rich or poor, he knows Dean and Kevin will always be there for him.

"You guys are my family," Seth said without being fully aware his mouth had decided to move on its own accord. "You and Kevin both. And.. and I'm so, so unbelievably sorry I put you through the wringer, Dean. I'm sorry and I'm going to be for the rest of my life."

Still holding their furry son close to his chest, Dean turned his head to face his significant other, his boyfriend. "I accept your apology, Seth. Just- if you keep kicking the crap outta yourself over this, I'm going to kick you. Got that?"

"Yeah, I think I got it." The brunet pressed a kiss to the mess of curls that lay atop his partner's head.

"Good, now kiss me you big doof. We got a lot of cute coupley crap to catch up on. Might as well start now."

"That's a.. that's a good idea." Seth whispered, leaning in closer as Dean set Kevin down on the floor and pulled him in by fist full's of his Henley, bringing him into a kiss as Seth lightly pushed him to the floor. Having Dean lay beneath him as he straddled him and pressed soft, sweet, kisses to his warm and wet lips.. It all felt so familiar yet so, so new.

"Wanna get started on that make-up sex?" The man beneath him asked as their jeans started to become rather uncomfortable and their clothed lengths brushed up against one another's.

"Thought you'd never ask."


End file.
